06 Dezember 2011

Benedict's smile reminds me of Anna and for a reason that makes me inexplicably sad. I don't even know what's happening in these moments, when I see that picture and think of the way her smiles were always downwards and then one day they weren't anymore. As if she had found something. As if she had understood. At first I was angry you had fallen in love with someone else, but you seem so happy now. I didn't even know you were sad. Yesterday I found out that I am not alone in all this mess. That I am not the only one who is frustrated and exasperated and desperate, craving for a change. Not the only one depressed by how things are right now, You are a good person and I love you, this just isn't the life I hoped I'd have, that others have this too and probably ten times worse. Except no. Ten times worse is the kill. I thought about this so many times, days and days on end, every morning when I stood there at the station waiting for the train. It can't be worse for him, how does he survive, but somehow it is. He is so much stronger than I am, I see it now. But he is also only human and I am afraid that this might break something, something that should never be broken, that is irreplacable, and it scares the shit out of me. I know that I don't deserve you, but that's okay. Life isn't fair. Because I came so close to just giving it all up and running away and then there is he and underneath it all he knows that he really can't. He can't just get up one morning and get away from it all. Because this is all he has. And I think that is wonderful but right now it is mostly just horrifying. And I hope that he doesn't try anyway just because he wants to get rid of his restrains because I couldn't stand this. And is this selfish? I don't really care. Sometimes I wish I could take back all my mistakes. But then I think: What if my mother could take back hers? And isn't that stupid? I feel better now, I think I do. But can it really be that easy? Can some days of peace and quiet fix everything, fix this fucking turmoil of a mess that is exploding in your face? Because the real question is this: Do the stress and the need produce these feelings and this hatred and loss of motivation? Or do they just lower your defenses, and everything has been there before too, you just didn't see it up till now? It's a very important decision, this. All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through. And I think please don't leave me and please stay and please hold on for selfish reasons entirely but not quite, not quite because he is a part of me now, and when I am selfish I do it for him as well, and when I do it for him I am selfish too. It's just how things are right now. Before we met I was so scared of dying. But if the end comes today this will have been enough. I'd like to say that things can't change right now, that a loss of this magnitude would just kill us all, but I know that's not true. I just wish it were. If you died, I'd go through hell to get you back. That would be easy. I'm not sure I could deal with us just drifting apart. I am a bit frightened right now, because he needs someone to talk to, but he also needs someone on whose shoulder he can just cry his eyes out. He knows this. I know this. I just don't know if he knows that he actually can. That I'd listen. Because that's what I do. It's the not knowing that drives me crazy. Not the seeing him in pain part. I can deal with that, as long as I'm there. It's the knowing he's in pain and not being there part that has me shivering. I have found a way to watch videos in my head. High definition, instant replay. It is called having regrets. I can't lose him I can't lose her I can't lose this. Except that it isn't my decision and that is what makes it bad. I think. I want to be there and I want to make it all better somehow, but I don't know how to manage that. Because my ideas normally don't work out. And it is like he said- it was a horrible day, he said, when I had a wish and I was afraid to speak my mind. For no reason at all. I just was suddenly afraid of judgement, of the reaction. I have never had that before. It felt as if I were losing myself that day, he said. And I know you don't love me, but there must be something I can do to make you a better person. Not that you'd need that. I am sure you are one of the best persons that ever lived. But it's the fate of good men to be crushed. I can't let you be crushed. Maybe I should make you bad. Can I do that? I've never been one to do bad things really, but I can change. For you I can change that. If you let me. They say when you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. They underestimate me. I wish I could just go to That Man and tell Him what's wrong. Tell Him to watch out, to finally get His lazy ass up and do something about it, because talking sparsely helps in a world like this and because He is talking to entirely the wrong person when He does. Because He is about to lose him, if He doesn't watch out. But I can't do that. Because he wouldn't want me to, and he would find out, and then I would lose him, and here is the selfish part again. I can listen and be there, but it is his life in the end, and it's not my job to live it for him. I think. I am just so very confused. Those who can, do. Because those who can't apparently run this fucking place.

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