07 November 2011

Coming apart at the hinges.

With nothing to do about it.
It is one of these days again. One these days, when it feels as if the world were unraveling right at the rims, I wish to be both more and less superficial. To have more friends than those three that are all of me. My Holy Trinity. Then I wish I had written more letters to those who left early, held on more firmly, given up less quickly. Out of sight, out of mind? Really? Me? And then I'm sitting here alone with the emptiness and wonder what it is exactly that I am missing. What it is that makes me trip and fall into these black holes of depression day and day again by the sheer lack of it. A new game, I try to tell myself. A new book to read, a TV in your room to watch your favorite shows in the morning. It really is just any occupation, anything to do at all. At the same time I find myself listlessly at work, wishing to be at home- home, where, in front of my computer or the TV to do what, exactly? Scrolling through fictions with a hunger I can't explain myself, looking for something, anything at all, that makes me feel again. And after all of it it is still my own fault, mine and mine alone, when I sit here in the dark pitying myself instead of calling Jessy over. Because she will always be here in a flash if I really need her to. If only I tell her.
I found out interesting things as of late. Contemplating my life, considering my options. I've always worried so much over other people's problems that I feel actually ashamed for thinking about myself for a few moments, but that needs to be done. I was thinking about what it was with me and relationships.
I realized that there are three kinds of people to me really. There is the mass, that I consider unimportant. There are friends, that I like immensely and listen to and spend time with, but if I were to lose them- I guess it wouldn't really affect me. Didn't really affect me, even though it was Conny and Anna and even Patrick, it didn't affect me much and I got over it. Sabine was so much harder. Franzi hurt physically but I survived. I never stopped thinking about them for a change back then. Didn't care much I suppose. Because they were hurting to, and they'd be hurting to know just now, I am sure (or it's what Yu told me anyway).
Then there is the third cathegory, the one I think I couldn't live without. I did think that about Franzi, back at that time. Then again, if Franzi were to ask me to come over, to help her, I'd be there without a second's hesitation. Anna, too. I'd be there. So maybe we're still friends, we just don't have to see each other to confirm it (though it'd certainly be nice). There are people that would leave holes in my life, not just cuts, but big bleeding dark fucking messes splattered everywhere.
Then there is Jessy, and that is an entirely different story, because through all my life, Jessy has always been there with me and it isn't co-existing anymore or friendship or family, and it isn't romance but so much deeper, because Jessy is like breathing, not always conscious but always there and neccessary. I think without Jessy here I'd truly and definitely die.
Why am I even thinking about this? Because it makes me warm inside. Because I am so lonely already that I could weep into my pillows all night, even though my mum still kisses me goodnight and I will see Chicken in a few hours and Jessy only just left, I am lonely. So lonely it threatens to consume me and leave me to bleed out on the floor.
I don't know what I can do about it. I am coming apart, coming apart utterly and completely and it scares the shit out of me and I can't stop it. I want it to STOP.
I'll make it stop.
And then the world'd better watch out where it is going because I won't come out of this unarmed.

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